How Much Interest Should I Show?!

How much interest should I show to a guy that I’m interested in?? That old chestnut is one of life’s many mysteries! It is closely linked to ‘how much initiative should I show?’

I really believe that the male should be the leader in a relationship. By no means am I saying that the woman should blindly follow whatever they say…no way, not at all…relationships should be an equal partnership, but I like the idea of the male being the one that protects me and guides me in my faith journey. So…how does that transfer to the beginnings of dating?

Should I be sitting back, not doing anything…just hoping and praying that he’ll waltz over to me after seeing me across the room, and in a deep sexy voice say “would you like to grab a coffee with me?” I’ve read so many times that if a guy is interested in you, he’ll do something about it. So if he doesn’t do anything, he’s not interested. BUT…surely guys are worried about rejection as much as us ladies, so I would assume that a guy would be more confident to ask you for coffee if he thought you’d say yes?

So…how do I show that I’m interested, and is me suggesting an informal coffee catch up an ok thing? I dunno. I have explicitly suggested coffee to 2 guys in the last few years, and both politely declined. One was still hung up on an ex, and the other wasn’t seeking a relationship at the time. So my experience would suggest that my suggestion of coffee was pointless, because they were never interested, and that’s why they didn’t suggest coffee themselves. But then you hear the stories of the women who made the coffee suggestion, the guy agreed, and from then on he organised dates, then proposed (…obviously a longer time frame than that, but you see my point, lol).

I guess I take the approach of ‘we’re all adults here, and I’m not interested in playing games.’ If I think a guy is nice and there could be potential, I’ll just let him know, and then he can take the lead from there. I read a book ages ago which said ‘a successful relationship is one where you find out whether or not you are suited to marriage’. So I guess a successful coffee suggestion is one in which I find out if they are interested. So far they haven’t been interested, but I guess that doesn’t make it a fail. Sure it’s super disappointing when they say no, but I don’t think asking was pointless. It really hurts to get rejected, but I’d rather know now so that I don’t waste time thinking about someone who doesn’t see potential in me.

Maybe one day a guy will waltz over to me and suggest coffee, or maybe one day when I suggest coffee he’ll actually say yes. Because coffee is just coffee. It’s two people getting to know each other and seeing if there is a connection. It’s not agreeing to date, and it’s not marriage. What do you think?? Who should initiate that first casual hangout? If the guy doesn’t suggest it, should a woman bother?!

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6 thoughts on “How Much Interest Should I Show?!

  1. You know, this is a conversation I’ve had with my mum and many other mentors over the years. It seems like such a fine line between showing interest and becoming the pursuer (something the rest of the world tells us to do). We’re fighting culture a little bit here, too, because a lot of guys expect women to be more aggressive. So, yeah, figuring out how to navigate this in a way that’s pleasing to God and not man is the key. I wish one of the New Testament authors had written an epistle “To the unmarried population in Ephesus” or something like that! 🙂

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    1. Yep, definitely agree that it’s a fine line! I wouldn’t want to be seen as the pursuer, but then I also think I should treat them as I would any other friend…which would include such things as inviting them to group board game nights, catching up for coffee etc. But you’re right, prayer is essential. Maybe one day if I do get married I’ll have the answer to my question!!

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  2. Haha, hubby just referred to this quote: “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases” – his opinion is that men can be guided, but they don’t like to be instructed. Which basically boils down to not-so-subtly flirt with them until they either avoid you or ask you out???

    Unfortunately he doesn’t have any actual advice for how to do that but he thinks that there is a certain amount of conversation that has to happen before you would have an idea of whether you’re in or out – have you spent enough time together that you’ve moved into the “possibility” circle? The number of hours of conversation varies depending on whether you’re chatting in a group setting or one-on-one, with conversations in group settings obviously requiring more hours (he’s *this* close to coming up with a formula for you…). So I guess the problem is – if they’re not in your social circles already, how do you orchestrate it so you can catch up without it appearing that you are asking them out on a date?

    I would also consider your ideal man – would you be interested in a guy who liked women who were aggressive and took the lead? Personally, I feel there is a middle ground between smiling shyly across the room and asking them out for coffee. And unfortunately I feel that middle ground is different for each man – and woman! The entirety of our friendship group knew hubby liked me and I was completely oblivious…

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    1. Haha, great quote!!! Loved that movie!!! And great advice also 🙂 yep, so tricky if they are in completely different social circles, there just isn’t any opportunity to get to know them better in a group setting. Looking forward to the ‘formula’ lol!!

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