As soon as I find myself noticing a guy, my first thought is ‘ok, what can I do to spend more time with him?’ (which translates to: how can I accidentally bump into him or create some situation that forces him to hang out with me)???
I like to think of myself as a pretty good schemer (disclaimer…I am good at coming up with stupid ideas, but have had absolutely zero success from my scheming).
Why do I feel the need to scheme? I think it’s because I feel like if I don’t do something RIGHT NOW, the guy won’t notice me, or want to spend time with me. I’ve always struggled to just leave a romantic situation up to God. I know that God is in control, but my stupid disobedient self thinks that I can ‘make things happen’ if I just create a certain social situation or suddenly bring up my ‘new hobby’ around the guy.
Funny story…I once bought a specific tv series on dvd that was on sale, just so that I could talk about it with the guy I was interested in at the time. I even suggested we should watch it together some time…he wasn’t keen, and I was left with a tv show that I don’t even like! Lesson learnt, haha. Don’t manufacture situations!!
Anyway, I guess I’ve come to the decision that I don’t want to be like that anymore. If I’ve spent the last 10 years scheming, and it hasn’t landed me a boyfriend, then the worst that can happen by not scheming is still not having a boyfriend. And the added bonus is that I’m not investing/wasting time and brain space coming up with schemes.
I don’t know better than God, and I’m sure that if a guy was actually interested in me…I wouldn’t need to scheme to get his attention. Hopefully I would just need to be myself and he would notice me, and that getting to know each other would be an organic and natural process, rather than a forced one.
I actually think some of my scheming comes from the fact that I think ‘well a guy wouldn’t like me anyway, so I might as well speed up the process and prove myself right’. The fact that I’ve always only experienced rejection from guys gives me a pretty low confidence in myself when it comes to relationships.
So I’m working on being patient. In the future, I’m going to be patient in finding out if a guy doesn’t like me, or that he does. A friend shared this verse with me this morning…
Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. Psalm 27:14
I basically need to trust God. Rather than thinking ‘oh, he’d much prefer that young blonde over me’ or ‘he couldn’t possibly be a match for me’, I should be thinking ‘God can transform hearts’ or ‘God sees the big picture’.