Running From Intimacy

Is it possible to find a balance between “I’m going to stop liking this guy now because I don’t want to get hurt” and “I really like this guy, he’s the one!!”

If you’ve worked out how to do this, please let me know your secret, lol!

The message at church this week was about intimacy (not just sexual, but all types), and we were challenged and encouraged to not close our hearts off to intimacy…even if we have been hurt many times before.

BAM. Hit me like a truck, tears started to well up, and I realised that I want intimacy so badly that if any slight opportunity of potential intimacy rears its head I instantly shut down and run in the opposite direction because I *think* I know how it will end. Based on previous experience, it will end with this guy I like not being interested in me, and picking someone else. It’s happened every other time, so why not this time?

I’m working very hard at remaining neutral between the initial posed question above. But I’m starting to see my usual traits come out, which are stupid and not limited to:

  • Binge watching romantic movies (I know I’ve reached the bottom of my tolerance when I’m balling my eyes out watching the Notebook…happens every time)
  • Over analysing every conversation, message, facebook like etc between us, blah blah blah
  • Tracing their activity on social media to decide which other woman they will choose (I’m ashamed to admit this one, but in the spirit of transparency thought I better mention it, lol)
  • Noticing my heart racing a million miles when they walk in the room
  • Searching high school-esc things online such as “how to tell if he likes you” cringe, cringe, cringe
  • Writing them a letter (which is never sent) to get all my feelings out of my system (haven’t done this yet this time, but it’s crossed my mind…). My rule is to burn the letter once they get engaged to someone else. You can imaging how much paper I’ve burnt over the years…

Usually this goes on for awhile, then I decide I’ve had enough, and just shut down. But that usually doesn’t last for long, and the feelings resurface, so to shut them down once and for all, I will declare my attraction to the person…all the while telling myself:

“Rejection I can do. Rejection I know well.”

But you know what I can’t do?

Intimacy.

Yup. I have absolutely no idea how to do that and it freaks me out to no end.

So what is the remedy to all this madness? Intimacy with God. He desires us…and we need to pursue intimacy with God because He has first pursued us. Intimacy is trust that leads to vulnerability. And I want to work on trusting God so that I can also be vulnerable with others. How can I expect to have a good marriage if I can’t learn to be vulnerable?

So when I notice myself doing any of the above crazy things (except romantic movies…I mean who doesn’t love a bit of mindless and fake romance?! lol), I will instead endeavour to spend time in prayer with God and focus on building my intimacy with Him.

And I’ve decided that this guy deserves my heart to remain open, considering he has achieved the uncommon trifecta of attraction…I’m attracted to him spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Maybe some things are worth the risk?

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