I’m the type of person that likes answers and things to be sorted quickly.
If I’ve made a mistake, I need it to be rectified yesterday! If there’s a problem at work, or something isn’t as efficient as it should be, I will work on a solution non-stop until the problem is solved.
Hence why I think a lot of my blog posts have been about how I trust God with the unknown of how long my singleness might last.
It would be so much easier if God said to me:
“You’ll be single your whole life, but it’s going to be ok”
or “You’ll meet someone, you just have to wait”.
But reality is that I don’t know which of those options is true for me. So I feel like in many situations I will try to preempt what the outcome will be, and that preempting is the worse case scenario, so I don’t have to deal with more disappointment.
Current situation: I met the loveliest guy a month or so ago (different guy to the one I mentioned a few posts ago…it was pretty clear from his actions that he wasn’t interested in me). We hit it off instantly. A level of instantly that I have never experienced with a guy before. We’ve hung out a lot in group situations and always had heaps to talk about…we have a lot of similar interests, and so far I admire all personality traits I have seen. Over the weeks things were building nicely, and a strong friendship was developing, but I was unsure of my feelings. I was hesitant to label to myself what I was feeling for fear of rejection yet again.
Then there was a specific moment which I can pin point for me where I had a bit of a freak out. He had dropped me back to my car, and as we sat there, I realised that I had just had such a wonderful time with him…it had felt so comfortable and I was myself the whole time. I wasn’t trying to be extra funny, or extra nice, or extra laid back.
I was just me. And he was just him.
I never understood when people said their spouse was their ‘best friend’…but in that moment, I understood…and could see this friendship getting to those levels. With that realisation I jumped out of his car and basically legged it to my car. How could I let myself feel these things…because surely it would end up the same way as all the other guys? There’s no way he could be interested in me, and actually notice me. Or even if he noticed me, there was no way he would reciprocate those feelings. Right?
I’ve never ever had a guy that I was interested in, like me enough to want to date me. And I know completely without a doubt that that has been for my good, because looking back on those guys and their personalities and our compatibility… there was definitely reasons why God protected me. That doesn’t make the heartache and disappointment any easier at the time though.
…if I hadn’t of gone through all of those disappointments (as in if one of them turned into a relationship), I might not have been available for this current guy.
Then on the weekend we happened to be at the same event. As soon as I saw him, my freak out was over. I’d done my thinking and praying and decided that I was ready for the next step.
OH, SILLY ME!!! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A8sI6c_daE)
A week after the amazing afternoon we spent together, it felt like he didn’t want to talk to me. We spoke a bit, but he always seemed to make an excuse to leave the conversation. I’ll be honest and say I cried a bit in the car on the way home. I don’t know what I was expecting…but it wasn’t a step backwards. I had literally just allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings, and within minutes I was facing another disappointment.
I know how to notice if a guy isn’t interested in me…you could say this has become my speciality! And so far I have a 100% success rate 😉
But I am reminded that potential relationships are like a share portfolio (bear with me!)…in that past performance isn’t an indicator of future performance. Just because every guy previously has not been interested, doesn’t mean that this situation will be the same.
Reality is that I don’t know what he thinks of me. Fact is that we get along really well, but I can’t make assumptions on his behalf. I don’t know his history, his inner thoughts, or even how he displays affection.
The outcome of this friendship is unknown. Do I want more? Definitely! I would like to give it a shot and see what might develop.
My only option is to trust God. Trust that God will continue to work situations for my good…whatever that means for a future relationship with this guy. Like every other guy, he might not be interested in me…but maybe he is. Or maybe he isn’t, but he might be in time?
Only God knows, and I’m working on resting in that and not trying to have all the answers right now.